Might want to get something to eat this is gonna take awhile.

so yesterday was alayna's and my birth party it started off with me getting pulled over for doing 71 in a 55 cop wrote me up for 70 in a 55 and then asked if there was a big difference between 71 and 70 im like ummm no and then cop started freaking out on me "there is a big difference blah blah blah blah " i have no idea what he said after that because he couldnt talk right he was getting all his words fucked up. o the great part was when i handed him my insurance card he was like do you have any insurance that shows your the owner of this car?? i was like yea i take my card back and open it up for this nice bright cop.........makes you wonder how safe you really are....i think this cop was picked on when he was a child and now he can take advantage of his position as a cop. long story short he wrote me for 70 in a 55 $137.50 fine and i think its 1 point on my licence but i dont know. Then we get over to alayna's house and started drinking pretty heavy because i was fucking pissed off about the ticket. i personally didnt think it was a great time but hey thats just me. alayan and i where talking about all the shit that goes around work and i asked her if she trusted me and she said i dont know...... i was like WHAT! I havent said a damn thing about you other the good things im not one of those ppl that start shit over stupid shit.......man i was so pissed if i wasnt so drunk right then i would of fucking left because its bullshit not to trust when i havent done a damn thing to you. so i waited and when i was sober enough to go home james and left. On the way home i had alot of shit going threw my mind one thought was man after i drop james off maybe it would be good idea to go for a drive and see what happens see if i could get into an "Accident". Another thing i found out last night was that i might have chance with her but she doesnt want a boyfriend right now but all the vibes i got last night is i have no fucking chance with her. So she doesnt want a boyfriend now hmmmm should i sit and wait and waste another 3 years or more off my life or should i just move on and if/when she's ready for a realation ship see if i still feel anything for her. i think i choose the 2nd option because i really dont want to waste my fucking life over the hope maybe someday she'll like me like i like her. wish she would of said yes or no it would of made a big difference. I dont know what to do anymore im getting sick of being single. I see all my friends with their girlfriends having a great time and there i am just sitting there waiting for this girl to like me. I would give up everything for just to have someone to hold and love but no, no fucking luck for me maybe im ment to live the rest of my fucking life alone and miserable. fuck im still fucking pissed over this trust issue bullshit. But i guess i have to look at it from her point of view getting out of a realationship where you've been treated like shit. i can see where it would be are to trust ppl after that. I know when i was going out with ashley she put me threw so much shit i cant believe i was that fucking stupid but after her i really couldnt get close to any of my other girlfriends because i was afraid that i might get hurt again and i would rather fucking die then feel like what i did with ashley and jerrica(even tho it was 2 weeks lol) thats why i've been single for like 3 fucking years just dont want to get close to anyone then she comes into the picture and that fucking bullshit went right out the fucking window of course it took me awhile for me to let my guard down with her. It looks like i shouldnt of because now im depressed and miserable all the time besides when im around her. i want to spend every second of ever day with her. she fucking makes me happy for the first time in years. when im around her i dont have to put on this fake ass smile and pretend everything is ok because when im around her everything is ok......i have no chance so i should probably let go now and come back to it later if she is even interested in me then and i dont have a girlfriend then. all in all it was an ok night and there is no way in hell im gonna get drunk tonight.