life what a fucking joke.

i hate always looking for a bright side of things when there really isnt any bright side of things. There's nothing to do in this fucking town and im getting sick of always driving to the same place and always hoping for the best. i dont know why we're fucking friends we never talk we never hangout and when i do try to hangout with her she's assuming that im getting the wrong fucking message. i just wanna hangout have fun and get over being so fucking nervous around her and do something other than just sit on my ass or go to the bar. there's so many things i would like to say just to get them off my chest. i would love to just breakdown and let it all out but i cant, i cant just fucking open up and let it all out even tho i would feel alot better if i did.


Story Of A Lonely Guy

Push it out
fake a smile
Avert disaster
just in time
I need a drink
cause in a while
Worthless answer from friends of mind
It's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
Girls posess me, but they're never mine
I made my entrance, avoided hazards
Checked my engine, I fell behind

I fell behind

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause i'm a fucking boy

Remember when I was in the grocery store
now's my time
Lost the words,lost my nerve, lost the girl, left the line
I would wish upon a star, but that star, it doesn't shine
So read my book with a boring ending
A short story of a lonely guy

I fell behind

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on, days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause I'm a fucking boy

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on, days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause i'm still just a stupid worthless boy

another wasted night

im getting sick of not being able to sleep. i would give anything to make these thoughts that are going threw my head stop. maybe getting away for a week will help..... get away from the source of the thoughts hahaha i doubt it. Im sick of waking up everyday and putting a fake smile on my face so no one knows theres something wrong with me. im sick of pretending everything is alright when its not. wish i could change everything that went wrong. im sick of nice guys getting shit on all the fucking time. they dont even get a fucking chance whats wrong with the world these days.

saints and sailors - dashboard confessional

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

and there can only be one

so its been awhile sense i have posted anything......not much has happen between now and then still working my ass off and hanging out with alayna (which hasnt been to much fun) we have nothing to talk about and im so fucking nervous when im around her i dont know what to say or do. im afraid ill say something stupid or do something stupid and in turn she would think im stupid *sigh*. I think if we hung out more i would be less nervous and act more like myself around her but that has a downside also...... i'm not sure if she would wanna hangout more i dont know why she would im a boring person. wish i could change that. i hate always assuming the worse but if you always assume the worse you wont be hurt as much as if you would assume the best. If i could get rid of these feeling's without loosing another friend i would but anyways enough with that. vacation is coming up cant fucking wait get out of here and not worrying about anything for a week. anyways i just want to say one last thing FUCK OFF!!!!

Dashboard Confessional - Broken Hearts And Concrete Floors

I'm always assuming the worst
But you're going on none the less
And there's nothing to cushion your heart
led fall
Letters from further away
Keep pulling me close to home
And they're something to cushion my callous sighs

And I know that you hope for
Longer goodbyes
Embracing for forever
And falling in your eyes
In your eyes
Your eyes

Pouring over photographs
I'm living in your letters
Breath deeply from this envelope, it smells like you
And I can't be without that scent, it's filling me
With all you mean to me
To me

Continually failing these trials
But you stand by me none the less
And you won't let me sink though I'm begging you
I'm begging you

Phone calls from further away
And messages on my machine
But I don't ever tell you this distance seems terrible

There's no need to test my heart
With useless space
These roads go on forever
There'll always be a place
For you, in my heart

So I'll hit the pavement, it's gotta be better then waiting
And pushing you far away cause I'm scared
So I'll take my chances and head on my way up there
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten

the good old days

I miss the grass fights and the evening walks, i miss just hanging out in the streets without a care in the world. I miss just lying there with the person that you loved not doing anything and wishing that the day would never end. These where the good old days now we have to worry about bills and jobs and if this is what you really want to do for the rest of your life. o how i wish i could go back to those good old days when getting up in morning was worth it.

blah

sometimes i feel like im bipolar one day i love her more then anything then the next day i hate everything that has to do with her those are the day's when i dont see her when im not working or when she isnt working i hate those days. I just look around me and all my friends have girlfriends and how much they love each other and im sitting here waiting hoping some day this girl will like me as much as i like her. well there's some changes going on in level3 so it might just finish this sit and wait bullshit. i might be going to Atlanta and if i dont go there there putting all the people that work on the Circuits in one room and sticking the people that work on voice mail, call waiting stuff in another room so ill probably never really see her again besides in the halls and for some reason i dont think she will keep talking to me after that happens so im gonna loose another friend. I know what some of you ppl are thinking why dont you shaun keep the friendship going or try too. i dont know.....she has to meet me half way or its pointless to try. o well what will be will be and theres nothing i can do about it.

Might want to get something to eat this is gonna take awhile.

so yesterday was alayna's and my birth party it started off with me getting pulled over for doing 71 in a 55 cop wrote me up for 70 in a 55 and then asked if there was a big difference between 71 and 70 im like ummm no and then cop started freaking out on me "there is a big difference blah blah blah blah " i have no idea what he said after that because he couldnt talk right he was getting all his words fucked up. o the great part was when i handed him my insurance card he was like do you have any insurance that shows your the owner of this car?? i was like yea i take my card back and open it up for this nice bright cop.........makes you wonder how safe you really are....i think this cop was picked on when he was a child and now he can take advantage of his position as a cop. long story short he wrote me for 70 in a 55 $137.50 fine and i think its 1 point on my licence but i dont know. Then we get over to alayna's house and started drinking pretty heavy because i was fucking pissed off about the ticket. i personally didnt think it was a great time but hey thats just me. alayan and i where talking about all the shit that goes around work and i asked her if she trusted me and she said i dont know...... i was like WHAT! I havent said a damn thing about you other the good things im not one of those ppl that start shit over stupid shit.......man i was so pissed if i wasnt so drunk right then i would of fucking left because its bullshit not to trust when i havent done a damn thing to you. so i waited and when i was sober enough to go home james and left. On the way home i had alot of shit going threw my mind one thought was man after i drop james off maybe it would be good idea to go for a drive and see what happens see if i could get into an "Accident". Another thing i found out last night was that i might have chance with her but she doesnt want a boyfriend right now but all the vibes i got last night is i have no fucking chance with her. So she doesnt want a boyfriend now hmmmm should i sit and wait and waste another 3 years or more off my life or should i just move on and if/when she's ready for a realation ship see if i still feel anything for her. i think i choose the 2nd option because i really dont want to waste my fucking life over the hope maybe someday she'll like me like i like her. wish she would of said yes or no it would of made a big difference. I dont know what to do anymore im getting sick of being single. I see all my friends with their girlfriends having a great time and there i am just sitting there waiting for this girl to like me. I would give up everything for just to have someone to hold and love but no, no fucking luck for me maybe im ment to live the rest of my fucking life alone and miserable. fuck im still fucking pissed over this trust issue bullshit. But i guess i have to look at it from her point of view getting out of a realationship where you've been treated like shit. i can see where it would be are to trust ppl after that. I know when i was going out with ashley she put me threw so much shit i cant believe i was that fucking stupid but after her i really couldnt get close to any of my other girlfriends because i was afraid that i might get hurt again and i would rather fucking die then feel like what i did with ashley and jerrica(even tho it was 2 weeks lol) thats why i've been single for like 3 fucking years just dont want to get close to anyone then she comes into the picture and that fucking bullshit went right out the fucking window of course it took me awhile for me to let my guard down with her. It looks like i shouldnt of because now im depressed and miserable all the time besides when im around her. i want to spend every second of ever day with her. she fucking makes me happy for the first time in years. when im around her i dont have to put on this fake ass smile and pretend everything is ok because when im around her everything is ok......i have no chance so i should probably let go now and come back to it later if she is even interested in me then and i dont have a girlfriend then. all in all it was an ok night and there is no way in hell im gonna get drunk tonight.

Hey there delilah

fucking women are evil. they make us do things that we dont want to do and they put us threw so much bullshit that can fucking drive you insane. to ask or not to ask...... to move on with my life and stop wasting it or just sit back and wonder what if....... im so sick of this shit im afraid to ask because of what the answer might be but it fucking killing me wondering if i have a fucking chance so its loose/loose fucking deal. somedays i wish i never met her because days like these when im so fucking depressed. i hate life i really dont think its worth living it anymore.